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Mar. 21st, 2009

Where do we go from here,
and what did you do with the directions?
Promise me no dead end streets,
and I'll guarantee we'll have the road...

Ooohhhh, goodness me has it been forever since I've been on LiveJournal!??!? Hmm... I feel so out of touch with everyone. Update rly.

I'm ending up spring break, and that's upsetting; but spring is my favorite! So, that's cool I guess. I think I'm going to start skateboarding again... I'm getting back in touch with my old friends. I don't know if I can ever forgive them for turning their backs on me, but the other day when TyTy ran across the park to hug me because he hadn't seen me so long it made me feel wanted again. I like that feeling. I've been feeling that a lot recently, except for last night when my friends went to get Twilight without me even though it was my idea to go get it. I really pissed me off, and they had no right or reason to do that at all. I think it's because I was at Levi's house...

is the best thing to happen to me in a long time.
Definitely the best thing that's happened all break.
I've known him all of my life, basically... but we just re-met on Sunday, I think it was... We've been together every day since... On Tuesday he grabbed for my hand, and later that night he kissed me. It was unexpected, but looking back on it now it's a blessing and a curse. Levi is a 23 year old drunkard country boy with the biggest heart and meanstreak I have ever met. He's also in the army and is getting deployed to Egypt in approximately two months. I find myself falling for him more and more each day, to be honest with you, and I know my life will be hell when he leaves... It's already starting to hurt just knowing that soon I will have no one to hold me when we sit around and watch stupid movies, and every time I go anywhere I'm going to wish he were there... It's a sad day.
That's why I really don't want to date him. I know I really like him, but I know if we're "official"
, it's just going to hurt us both a lot more than if we were just "friends with benefits"... You know? But I've never been good at relationships, so I guess we'll just see how it goes...




Tagged by:mcghengland_xx 

I tag:
electroholic, epic_fail93, heartflusters, mcghengland_xx, msedwardcullen, offkeymelodies, wsillnforlte, x_falsetto

1. What are your nickname[s]?
lulu studwell, savage, hanner

2. What's your favorite holiday?

3. What's new in your life right now?
having a boyfriend

4. Where was the last Starbucks that you visited?
somewhere in missouri

5. Are you introverted or extroverted?
a bit of both, but more-so introverted.

6. What books are you currently reading?
scar tissue
by anthony kiedis

7. What celebrity do you have a crush on?
garrett hedund ♥ ♥ ♥

8. What is your fave TV OTP?

9. What's the best thing going for you right now?

10. Favorite video game.

11. Number one thing you blog about?

12. What do you love to wear?

13. What's your favorite thing to cook?
microwavable things

14. Do you like to clean?
omg yes, i'm such a neat-freak.

15. Ever made a wall collage from random magazine clippings?

16. What was the first band you ever saw live?
uuuhhhh i dont even remember their name but i know i loved them...

17. What's your favorite animal?

18. What would you do if you ever saw $100 lying on the ground?
probably take it, but i'd feel too guilty. 

19. First band you ever got crazy obsessed with?
greeeeeen daaayyy

20. Tell me something good.


I'm unaware of anything good.


I'm still too tired to care,
and I gotta go....

I feel like my entire world is crashing down around me. I don't even know where to begin, I've put all this venting off for so long, trying to prove to myself that I can be "normal"... Yeah, right. I can't be normal, I can't just be happy and live my life without doubt and worry and anxiety, I'm so tired of the constant anxiety... It's pathetic, that I can't just live life anymore.
I've always had a fear of people, and the public, and going out of my comfort zone, and being busy. I haven't really been home in a month, and I'm always busy, and it's driving me nuts. My grades are slipping, and my home life blows, and I'm constantly nervous, and living in fear. I'm teetering on the edge of panic attacks all the time and I feel like my heart is going to explode. My head hurts pretty damn bad, too. And after all this; cheer leading, school, band, choir, honor choirs, extra bands, babysitting, home life, and clinging desperately to my social life and most importantly my music, I feel like I just can't win.
My life has changed so much in a year's time. This time last year I was stoned every day and sitting at home with no social life, or sitting and watching countless brain frying hours of video games, or freezing my ass off at the skate park begging for a cigarette... Two weeks and one terrible experience later I'm pretty much always sober and haven't taken a pill since May. I don't even take Tylenol anymore... Look at how much my life has changed. Look at how mellow I was then. I was perfectly content to be a no one. Now I'm driving myself nuts and I totally overloaded myself with pointless shit. I see no point in anything.
I need an outlet... Preferably a healthy one... but I just can't seem to find one of those. I've cut/burned.scratched/harmed myself since I was 9 years old, and I can't see myself quitting. I've tried, but I can't. I want to get high. I want that feeling, I love it and I miss it. I want to get more into it, I want to reach total euphoria, complete Nirvana... I want peace, and beautiful, beautiful visions...
But it's not gonna happen...
My biggest problem is my love life. It always is my biggest problem. There are 3 main guys I'm stressing over lately... One it just a petty crush, but one of my friends is into him and he apparently likes her and it hurts me for some odd reason... Some inferiority I feel, I suppose...
Secondly, my boyfriend. Yeah, I have a boyfriend who is cute as hell, so why do I worry?
I don't love him. I don't even really care for him that much at all, but I'm scared to hurt him so I go along with whatever he says. Every time he says he loves me, I say it back because all I've longed for for the longest time is someone to say they love me and at least think they mean it...
The biggest problem is the same boy who stole my heart a year ago. He's all I think about, dream about, worry about, constantly on my mind and I honestly think with all my heart that I love him. I used to think we would be together, and I could always, and still can, see myself with him for the rest of my life. His eyes, his smile, his goofy sense of humor, everything about him just makes me smile. Every time I see him my heart beats faster and it's like no matter what I do I have to have him in my life. I have to see him, talk to him, touch him, be around him, know he's near me, somehow, thinking of me, seeing me... We used to be so close, and I felt so right in his arms... Like the perfect couple. Him the straight laced cute loud nerd, me the little awkward dark girl... We used to be so so close... I wish we were still like that.
I don't even know what happened, but it's like a complete 180 from where we were last year... We fight, and he's so mean to me, and I'm constantly yelling at him, and it breaks my heart, and I feel so pathetic that I'm so smitten with someone who doesn't want to be with me. It's the worst case of unrequited love I think I've ever seen, personally, and it's even worse because it's me we're talking about, not one of my friends. I can't even talk about it anymore, it's so confusing. All I know is I love him, and he wants nothing to do with it... And next year when he's off in college living life, I know he won't even miss me... He probably won't even think about me... Because he's so amazing and I am nothing.

I don't know how else to put this.
It's taking me so long to do this.
I'm falling asleep and I can't see straight.

My muscles feel like a melee,
My body's curled in a U-shape.
I put on my best, but I'm still afraid.

Propped up by lies and promises.
Saving my place as life forgets.
Maybe it's time I saw the world.

I'm only here for a while.
And patience is not my style,
And I'm so tired that I got to go.

Where am I supposed to hide now?
What am I supposed to do?
Did you really think I wouldn't see this through?

Tell me I should stick around for you.
Tell me I can have it all.
I'm still too tired to care and I got to go.

I get to go home in one week.
But I'm leaving home in three weeks.
They throw me a bone just to pick me dry.

I'm following suit and directions.
I crawl up inside for protection.
I'm told what to do and I don't know why.

I'm over-existing in limbo
I'm over the myths and placebos
I don't really mind if I just fade away

I'm ready to live with my family.
I'm ready to die in obscurity
Cause I'm so tired that I got to go.

Where am I supposed to hide now?
What am I supposed to do?
You still don't think I'm gonna see this through.

Tell me I'm a part of history.
Tell me I can have it all.
I'm still too tired to care and I got to go.

Writer's Block: Secret Crush

Everyone knows having a crush at the office or in class can make the time pass a little bit quicker. Is it better to keep your crush a secret or tell them how you feel?
It really can go either way. I've had situations where telling him was a great thing, and I've had a situation where it made everything awkward. I guess it depends on how close you are to the person, and if they've hinted at you in anyway.
Cross my heart and hope to...
I'm lying just to keep you here...

I always seem to screw up the best things in my life. Really, it never fails, and usually the best things in my life are my relationships with people. I always do stupid things, usually involving really strong feelings that I shouldn't have in the first place. The first time this happened I lost my best friend, but over time I got over it because I realized in the long run things never would have worked out anyway, but this time I just can't let it go. I can't even make sense of it, but I know I messed up and I'm suffering because of it now. I just had to open my stupid mouth.

Anyone that knows me well knows how nasty the breakup between one of my boyfriends and I was, and how I'm still in love with him and whatnot, even though he treated me badly. Well, this new boy really helped me with getting over him. He helped me realize I was better than that, and I didn't need to be with assholes who were disrespectful to everyone for no reason. We'd talk every day, and there for a while last year we got really close. Long story short, I read all his signals wrong I guess. I really thought he liked me, so I finally got up the nerve to tell him how I felt (and I mentioned I didn't want things to change between us if he didn't feel the same. I didn't want to lose a best friend again) and I was absolutely crushed when I got the response.

"Hannah, you're a good friend, and you always will be."

So, in my saddened stupor I got completely trashed, even though I had told this boy I was going sober. Any respect I had gained, I had thrown away with every drunken text or call he received that night. And to make things sooo much better, he's pretty much ignoring me. I saw him today and he was acting like I wasn't standing right next to him. Talk about awkward. Oh, and for some reason our friends are treating me differently, like I did something wrong, so I was thinking; Did I?

This boy is amazing, once you get passed his annoying sense of humor and huge ego. He's super smart, in every way. He's an amazing friend, and very trusting, not to mention cute. And he's going somewhere in his life. Like, he's actually going to make it somewhere, unlike most of the people I know or hang out with. Is it really so wrong to have feelings for someone so great? Was it wrong of me to be honest with him? Where did I go wrong to deserve being shunned? It's absolutely terrible.

I've been beating myself up over this for days.
I'm absolutely losing it, and I feel totally alone.


You know you shouldn't,
but you do it anyway.

It's been an interesting week or so, let's just start off with that. I've been really stressed, confused, and intoxicated recently and I'm not diggin' it. But, I'm gonna start with something that really spawned all the failure in my life.

I have this weird inability to say no. It's crazy. It's like, for some reason I hate letting people down, so I can't really say no to things I should. When people offer you drugs or alcohol, you should say no. (and I'm never pressured, by the way. It's always been my choice) When strangers start feeling you up, you should say no. (and kick their ass) I'm not even going to list other times I should have said no, and didn't. The funny thing is, I've managed to do all sorts of wrong things and never lie about it. Maybe it's a bad thing, I dunno, but I've never lied to anyone about the things I've done, because it's a part of my life, and the mistakes I've made in the past will help me mold my future. I've never lied, but I've lost a whole-hell-of-a-lot of respect that I probably won't gain back. It's a shitty deal, but I've put myself in this situation.

And how come, no matter how much they hurt you, there are some people you just can't let go. I see it all the time, it's just not me. A few of my friends are with/have been with/are mourning over losing; assholes who treat them badly. I just don't get it, but I'm in the same situation. There's someone who's caused tremendous grief and many many tears, but I just can't let him go. I always thought we'd be an on-again off-again thing, but recently when he announced he was tired of my shit, everything changed. He's made me miserable for a long time, but dare I say it; I still love him. It hurts to know I've driven him away, when I always thought I'd at least have the comfort of his friendship. Thinking back on it, he wasn't much of a friend if he could go on for a half hour, and point out my faults, and then say he's done with me. I may not be the best friend in the world, but something tells me that's not right.

You know what else isn't right? Alcohol. Like, in general, alcohol is one of the worst things I've ever experienced in my life, but I still have this sickening urge to drink all the time. I've managed to tone it down extremely well, going through bursts of motivated sobriety, but as soon as anything goes wrong, that sobriety pledge doesn't mean shit and is drowned in bottles of vodka. I always get sad when I drink, and I cry a lot to everyone, and text as many people as I can. (I'm sorry again, William) And I do dumb things, like force myself to throw up even though it does nothing than make me feel worse than before. And you lose all track of time. Like, two hours feels like 9 when I'm drunk and I hate it. Then there's that whole blackout thing that happens to me that sucks majorly, because I like to remember things. And every time I drink, I promise myself; "Never again," and then it lasts for anywhere from 2 weeks to 5 months, then I think "Well, I can handle another night", then I get smashed and can't stop. But, not this time. I'm officially sober from now on. Like, I'm serious. Last night was one of the sickest I have ever been, other than the night I overdosed on
acetaminophen. And I did some dumb things, and I'm done. I really am. There is no reason I can't be sober and have fun.

But, I've got to admit, the reason I ditched the sobriety idea is stupid.

It's petty, really, and shouldn't bother me, but it does.

Lulu is dead!!!!

Fo sho fo sho.
I decided to make a new journal, so now I'm transfering my tutorials.
Here. They. Are.

Tutorial #3: Mark Wahlberg
to to

Tutorial # 2: Garrett Hedlund & a boxing glove

Tutorial #1: A sweaty Garrett Hedlund